Cycling Out of Control

Writer Author  Karla Hogan
Christian Article : Inspirational  - Fiction  No

Christian Author Writer “‘For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.’” Jeremiah 29:11

Hormones. You can’t live with them; you can’t live without them.
As an early-thirties, married-for-two-years woman, I found myself longing to have a child. My husband Greg shared this desire, so we embarked on the “trying to have a baby” trail--hazard signs and all. After a miscarriage at the 12th week of our first pregnancy, our hopes were dashed, but I found myself more determined than ever to succeed in this rollercoaster of an endeavor. The next four and a half years were filled with test kits, doctor’s appointments and more tears than I thought my body could shed.

The reality of not being able to have children is a pain that stabs deep through the heart. I hadn’t really ever thought about it before, but the sobering doubts crept into my head and heart after our initial loss. Would I not make a fantastic mother? Did God know something I didn’t? After awhile, I found myself developing a “just in case” clause to help ease the emotional impact of the “just in case we don’t have children” scenario. I began planning the trips we’d take and the money we’d be able to spend without hearing “you’re squandering our inheritance.” Believe it or not, this helped dull the pain of dealing with my unmet desire. My hormones were at their peak during this season of my life. I lived four years by the calendar of a 28-day, don’t-you-dare-be-out-of-town cycle. I knew the best kits, with the quickest results, and exactly how much they cost with tax. My Ob-Gyn and her office staff recognized my voice on the phone, and their expectations grew with mine with each passing month.

Oh, what a sinking feeling it is to know you have to start the whole 28-day process again. I needed many shoulders to cry on and even more ears willing to listen, knowing there were no pat answers. Frequent questions like, “Are you going to have children?” and “Aren’t you going to have a family?” made my heart sink. (They also made me contemplate flicking the inquirers on the side of the head!) I didn’t know if I’d have a family. I didn’t know anything except what day of the cycle it was!

As the years wore on, I realized that what was hardest for me to swallow was the fact that I wasn’t in control. I hadn’t ever come face-to-face with how devastating not having control could be. I wanted a family with Greg so badly, and I wasn’t getting what I wanted. The puzzle was missing pieces, and I didn’t like it.

Then one day, like a mega-watt light bulb, I realized that Greg WAS my family. No missing piece there. God had truly blessed me with a man, whom He had hand picked, who loved me inside and out.

Jeremiah 29:11 became more than just words on the page as I acknowledged God and handed control back to Him. “‘For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.’” He had plans for my life, for my marriage and for my family. I had focused so intensely on what I wanted that I had inadvertently shifted God and His plans to the backseat on our “trying to have a baby” road trip.

The “me, me, my, my” syndrome that can so easily worm its way into our lives had overtaken my heart. I finally realized that I did want a baby, but ultimately what I wanted more was God and all that He had planned for me. Letting go of that control was like prying my fingers away from the armrests of a dentist’s chair. But once I did let go, I experienced a freedom that helped mend the piercing pain of my unfulfilled longing for a child.

I wish I could say that the next 28-day cycle ended in pregnancy, but it didn’t. In fact, God carried me through many more 28-day cycles, each cycle complete with many tears and disappointments. But I kept myself from revisiting the control room, leaving the navigation to the One who loved me most.

On a day like many others, I took my hormones along to the pharmacy and bought another of those kits, hoping to see that all-important “+” sign that had eluded us for years. While waiting for the results I couldn’t look, leaving Greg with his eyes glued to that test. His words, “Honey, I think you’ll want to take a look at this,” still ring sweet in my ears. I realized my desire was no longer unmet.

We now have two beautiful girls, and I am grateful each day for both of them. But having those babies wasn’t the only blessing I received during that time in my life. I now have a joyful memory of relinquishing the wheel of control and letting God take over.

I often find myself on other trails, and they are lined with many signs. But now, I welcome that large flashing ”Yield,” knowing that God’s control will indeed guarantee me “a hope and a future.” And that is a lesson that will always apply. Hormones or not.

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Country: United States
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